this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
