So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
