Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
