I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
