Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
