My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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