I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
