So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
