I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
