There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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