im drinking this country out of the recession.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
