Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
