Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I need to calm my uterus...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
