I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
