one word: firstdatebathroomanal
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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