remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
