i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize