My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
