Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
