I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
