Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
