For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
