I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
