I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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