I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
pray to the hookup gods
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
