i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
