apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
