Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
