In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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