Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize