I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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