I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Don't make out with my wife yet
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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