He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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