No stitches, just platelets and will power
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
