When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
