Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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