I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize