New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
