this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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