When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
