I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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