My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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