i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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