dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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