we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
