My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
