So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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