I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
