if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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