the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
