I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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