I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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