i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Found your dick twin last night
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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