you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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