im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
