PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
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