Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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